Something positive about LA

I realize I slam Los Angeles a lot. And I feel bad for that. Well, not really, but sometimes. But I'm not crazy. I'm not living in this god awful place just to torture myself. In fact, Los Angeles does have a lot of redeeming qualities that I probably don't talk about enough because I'm so busy being frustrated by the traffic and driving and parking and people.

But let's face it, today is yet another gorgeous and perfect day here in this fair city. And while some may say it's superficial to care about or live in a place solely for the weather (and maybe it is) the weather is pretty important. I mean, the weather affects your life EVERY DAY! If you live in a city or state that's really cold half the year - and really humid the other part of the year (see: most of the United States) then doing anything simple like grocery shopping or getting gas for your car is a production. Ugh. If it rains, you can't do almost anything outside. And that's not a bad thing. But in Los Angeles, we are incredibly spoiled by the gorgeous weather that we can hike, bike, run, walk, rollerblade, play tennis, surf almost any day of the year. That makes for a generally happy population that is outside and exercising and eating heathily.

What else? There are about ten million different kinds of restaurants. Most people I've met in LA are pretty open-minded about food (except for my ex Todd - hi Todd!) and sushi is a regular fave. Not only do we have sushi but we have some of the best sushi in the world and at reasonable prices. Just the other day my guy and I found a good, cheap sushi spot right on Sawtelle. Sushi for 2 for <$30 and it was good? Wow! Where else can you find that?

Of course, there's the beach and if you're ever feeling blue, all you need to do is go for a walk along the beach. You can do this 365 days a year and if you ski, you can do that most every day of the winter.

We have farmer's markets on almost every block on almost every day of the week. I've never eaten so well as when I've lived in California - no more soda for me it's all water and iced tea and green tea and fresh fruits and veggies year round.

The shopping is insane. I remember growing up in Connecticut where there was only one decent mall within a 45 minute drive. Now I go back home and go to that mall and laugh at how small it is. Within 45 minutes of where I live in LA there must be 8-10 large malls or shopping centers. We have better clothes and more of a selection or everything from frozen yogurt to drug stores to you name it than anywhere I've ever seen except maybe Manhattan.

And yes, I complain all the time about the selfish and self-absorbed people that LA attracts and sometimes nurtures. But you know what? You don't have to hang out with those people. I've learned to cut out selfish and weird people from my life. And while that may mean being alone more than I like, it's a LOT better than being around people who only think about themselves.

And there are some AMAZING people here. I've made some truly great, supportive, caring and wonderful friends. It's just hard to see them these days because they may live further out of the city now, be in a relationship, be married and/or have a kid (or 2 or 3). But they are still there. Being caring and supportive over the phone or email or facebook.

So yeah, LA is a crazy place. It used to be wonderful 95% of the time and maybe now it's 50% or 60% or 75% (or 2% depending on what day you ask me) and I suppose a lot of the things I love about it are superficial. And superficial things will not make you happy in the long run.

But you can make changes in your life and meet new people and join new organizations. Join a new gym or find new meetup groups or join a church or do something to meet better people because if it's one thing LA does well, is bring new people to the city every day.

Perhaps the most positive thing about LA is that people come here from all over the country (and world) to pursue their dream. Now while that may attract a fair number of delusional and insane people, it also attracts some incredibly ambitious, smart, hard-working, passionate people. And I always thought it was crazy to work some boring 9 to 6 job in a grey cubicle or office pushing papers around doing nothing of any note for the better part of one's life. No, people in Los Angeles wanted something better for their life. They didn't want a normal, mundane existence working in finance or law or accounting. They wanted to do something fun or something they are passionate about every day. Something creative. Something different. And, and the end of the day, no matter how bad things get here in this city, that's something I will always admire and respect about Angelinos. No one will ever call us boring.

You can pursue your dreams and *still* be a decent human being

Someone very wise once told me that people move to Los Angeles to escape their problems. Now while I'm not sure that is true of everyone that moves here, I do think it's true of many people. And as a result, the culture leaves something to be desired.

But come on people, just because you are here and a bit messed up emotionally, doesn't let you off the hook from being a decent human being.

Maybe there is something wrong with a family who would let one of their children move to Los Angeles to pursue their career in writing or being in a band or making a movie or what have you. Or, one could argue the opposite viewpoint - that a loving, caring family would support and encourage their child to do whatever makes them happy.

All I know it that I've managed to pursue my "dreams" here in Los Angeles and still look out for others and be a kind and caring person. A lot of other people I've met? Not so much.

Now am I just better at multi-tasking? Perhaps. But earth to people of Los Angeles: the world does not revolve around you and what you want and need. Perhaps your parents spoiled you too much when you were growing up. So you grew up a bit selfish and self-absorbed and LA only feeds that unhealthiness. I don't know. I don't buy it. We all make choices in our life and if we choose to run around only caring about ourself, what kind of world does that create? Would you want to be friends with someone who just cared about themself?? Especially in a time of need? I wouldn't....

However, as I get older, I see more and more of this selfish behavior manifest itself in unhealthy ways. I mean, is it unreasonable for me to expect I should have one friend, or one roommate in my life, that cares enough about me when I'm sick to get me soup? Or ask how I'm feeling? I've lived with a few people over the years who haven't helped me at all when I've been sick and to me, that just shows me how selfish and self-absorbed they are. If I knew someone was sick, even if it was a neighbor or someone I did not know really well, I would absolutely offer to help them get medicine or chicken soup. But someone you live with or are close to? Forget it. They've got better things to do.

Unfortunately, Los Angeles attracts people who are emotionally damaged or crippled.

Geez.

Maybe I'm the selfish one.

I mean, I'm a grown woman.

Why should anyone help me when I am sick?

Especially when they have better things to do?

Well, I'm not sure of the answer but I can't help but dream of a place where people care about other people. And if I knew my neighbor or friend was sick, I would offer to get them soup.

In fact, this very thing happened a few months ago.

A good friend of mine was so sick that she couldn't leave her place to get herself any food.

And while one could argue Pink Dot or delivery is phone call away, let's be honest. Pink Dot isn't going to have chicken soup or your favorite item from the supermarket when you are sick. Your local restaurant isn't going to bring you a huge container of Tropicana orange juice.

We should all have at least one person in our life who cares about us enough to get us soup and a favorite beverage when we're too sick and weak to leave the house.

So, I offered to go to Whole Foods and pick up my friend some soup.

She was really happy.

And I know she'd do the same for me in return.

As for everyone else, I say, epic fail.

I know I complain a lot about Los Angeles and people here. And I know I should leave. I'm working on it. Truly. But meanwhile, I hope you have someone who cares enough about you to get you chicken soup when you are sick.

Love

Lately I've been thinking a lot about relationships and love. And ironically, I've had a few of my single girlfriends mention to me that they like a guy a lot but are afraid of telling them how they feel because they don't want to get hurt.

Believe me, I get it.

No one wants to get hurt.

Relationships are hard. Especially in Los Angeles where so many people are busy pursuing their "dream" of writing a screenplay or being in a band or making a movie or what have you.

But if you are lucky enough to find someone you like and have romantic feelings for, why not give it your all?

I mean, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

And sure, no one wants to be the first one to put their heart on the line. What if the other person doesn't feel the same way?

Relationships, even good ones, take a lot of time and effort on both sides.

But you know what?

Life is short.

Live a little.

Take a chance.

Tell someone how you feel.

And if that's too scary, try showing them.

What do you really have to lose?

You may not get the answer you want. But just think - what if you do?

Life is short.

If someone is already spending a lot of time with you and has expressed to you how they feel, you have to meet them half way.

What if you're the one getting in the way of your own happiness?

So, I dedicate this post to my 2 girlfriends in Los Angeles (you know who you are.)

Let your guard down.

What's the worst that could happen?

Are you Superman? (for friends only)

I always get in trouble with people when I complain about Los Angeles. But I don't really care.

I think I've been through some really rough spots in my life over the past few years and boy do you find out who your friends are. Or should I say, you really find out who your "true" friends are and who was pretending.

I used to love LA. And I still do. Just not as much as before. (It was 95% before and now it's 50% if that?)

I mean, you can't go wrong with the weather and 10 million restaurants and things to do every night. Every time I go home to Connecticut I marvel at the poor selection of movie show times. There's no "or we *could* drive to the Grove and see it there at 8:05pm instead of 7:30pm at the Arclight or in Century City." We're way spoiled in terms of concerts and comedy clubs and shopping. Oh the shopping. Don't get me started.

Do you ski? Do you surf? Welcome to LA. Perhaps the only place in the world where you can do both in the same day (ironically I do neither.)

However, lately, I've seen so many of my friends and colleagues move away. I just lost another friend to Seattle (hope you're having fun up there Shelly!) and more are on their way out now as I type this....

The lure of Los Angeles is so strong in fact that I have more than a handful of friends who have stayed here for years, despite their inability to find full-time work after being laid off from a job. Of course, who can blame them? The economy is pretty crappy everywhere and if I were going to be unemployed, much better to be out of work in Los Angeles where you can drive to the beach every day than living in Missouri or Minnesota or some way too cold or way too hot place where there isn't much to do but perhaps be depressed at being out of work.

And I don't fault anyone really because we all change as time goes on.

Everyone I know is doing the best they can.

Even friends with jobs are scraping to get by.

Because the cost of EVERYTHING has risen - from gas to food to health insurance. How can anyone afford to live in this country when wages are overall - flat or declining (if you're "lucky" enough to even have a job) and the cost of everything is going up? Yet we sit here in front of our computers and do nothing other than put up a few ranty facebook status updates or call and write our representatives who seem to do nothing. We may protest and take to the streets but that seems to have the same effect = nothing. I wish Americans would copy the French and burn some shit down and get arrested or make more of a mess than we do here. Maybe Americans really are lazy and stupid. What can you do?

Anyhow, I'm not Superman (Supergirl?) and neither are you. So unless you have a secret to making oodles more money in this economy, I don't know how you are doing it.

What was my point?

Oh yes.

My point is:

Does LA suck now because the economy is crappy? Is living in Los Angeles right now akin to being in a tough marriage? Stick with it but things will get better? (Some signs point to yes. But most seem to point to "no" as the state is broke. But many states are broke - not just California.)

or

Does LA now resemble more of a drug addiction for those still live here? As in, you know it's bad for you (economically), but the highs (weather, food, things to do, sunshine) are so good. Do you just need to quit cold turkey? Or is taking a drug ok?

I'm not sure of what the answer is.

Maybe those of us that are left in Los Angeles are just optimistic. We hope things will improve.

Or are those of us that are left just foolish and stupid? We stay here hoping things will get better when they probably will only continue to get worse? I don't have the answer but I do know that smart people probably don't stick around in a fire to see what is going to burn down - they get the hell out. (Now if you have a job, are married or in a good relationship, have people in LA that truly care about you and help you, have kids or are generally "loving" LA feel free to ignore everything I've just written.)

A good friend of mine is talking about moving to Bali.

Yes, Bali.

I've head of numerous people in the music business (and in other jobs) who have just up and quit their job. I mean, how bad is your job that you're willing to forsake a paycheck in this economy? Because the reality is, unless you have parents who can support you or some type of trust fund, there many not be another job to fall back on. Even years from now. Why should employers hire more people when they can "get by" with a skeleton crew? My friend's brother works at a warehouse and they recently fired ALL the full-time staff except him and offered them their old job back at a fraction of their old salary with less / no benefits.

Companies continue to downsize to the point of straining the employees that are left to the point where those employees rather quit than deal with the torture of uber-stressful and demanding jobs. I see the woman who works down the hall from me in her office sometimes at 8 or 9pm at night on a REGULAR basis. I sure hope she's getting overtime but something tells me she isn't and is just working her tail off to keep her job.

Everyone is just looking out for themselves these days (and who can blame them) and it's a hard, hard place to live where people don't care about you but only have their own interests at heart.

I don't have the solution.

Do you?

A blog about drugs - dedicated to all my friends that smoke

I want to start out by saying that I have no judgment against anyone that smokes, drinks or takes drugs. However, after years of wondering why so many of my "friends" in LA are flakey, I finally figured it out.

Part of it is the urban sprawl - of course you have to drive EVERYWHERE in Los Angeles so people flake, I think, because they are often too lazy to get in their car and drive 30-45+ minutes each way just to see you. And park, blah, blah, blah. I get it.

But so many of my friends just act weird and abnormal when I hang out with them - and for no apparent reason.

It's the kind of weird that they probably aren't even aware of.

Ok, so have you ever been somewhere - maybe a bar or a party where you were the designated driver, or just weren't drinking that night for some reason? And you watch all the drunk people around you acting like total idiots. Now being drunk - that's fine and when you're drinking with friends, everyone seems fun. But drunk people don't seem so cool - not to the sober person, right?

Well, let me let you in on a little secret.

If you don't smoke pot, living in Los Angeles can feel like being the designated driver all the time.

Now let me be clear - I'm fine with people who smoke. No judgment. That's a personal / lifestyle choice. It's not for me -- but I can see why others may partake in this activity.

But just so you know, if you're one of my friends who smokes weed, it sucks for me (and likely for your other friends) who don't.

Why?

Because you may not think it affects you, but it does.

My friends often get spacey while I'm talking to them, act weird, forget to call me back, forget what they told me 2 seconds ago (or what I just told them), or repeat what I said 2 seconds ago as a new thought of their own, forget to do things they say they'll do over and over again and generally act like not very good friends.

Ok, that's maybe an unfair statement.

They are still good friends but maybe operating at 80% of their true friend potential.

And who wants 80% of anything?

***

I get it.

It's an escape.

And maybe there is something in your life you need escaping from. Problems at work. Or with your significant other (or lack thereof). Or to wind down from a stressful day. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry but life sometimes is just sucky and to me, constantly smoking pot to escape reality is just not a solution that makes any sense. Numbing yourself to the pain or loneliness or whatever doesn't solve anything - it's just a temporary fix.

I rather feel every moment of every day of my life than to go through life under the influence of some drug, especially one that makes you behave poorly over and over and over again. Because, quite honestly, I tend to have lot more fun sober than even after a glass of booze.

But that's me.

Clearly, I'm in the minority here, at least living in Los Angeles where I swear at least 1/2 of my friends smoke.

So I guess this is just a plea to any of my friends that DON'T smoke pot, can we please hang out more?

Because I need more normal in my life.

Advice for single men #1 - How to Tell if a Woman Likes You

So I suppose it's time I confess a secret. Something my good friends know but many other people don't.

I used to run a speed dating company.

And while you'd think that should make me some kind of dating expert, well, it doesn't.

No, actually, it helped a lot and I've also dated a lot and have learned quite a bit about what men should and shouldn't do on dates.

So here are some tips for you single men out there.

Topic # 1 - How to Tell If a Woman Likes You

1. If a woman likes you, she'll probably seem a little odd on dates with you. Maybe she won't talk very much. Or seem distracted. Now you have to pay attention because if she's distracted she might also "just not be that into you" but if she seems nervous or "off" in some way I'd say there's a good chance she likes you. After all, don't you get nervous around women that you like and are attracted to? Bingo!

The opposite of this can also be true. If a woman is very friendly, engaging, is asking questions about you and is generally a good date, she might like you. Or, she may just have no attraction to you so she treats you like any of her other male friends or girlfriends and acts "normal" because she isn't attracted to you so she can just "be herself."

2. If a woman gets dressed up to go on dates with you, there is a good chance she's into you. Ok, I admit, I'm writing this from my own experience and maybe there are a lot of women out there who will get all dolled up just because they like to get dressed up no matter who they are seeing. But men, let's face it. Doing our hair, make-up, putting together outfits is a tiring process for women too so it's likely we're only going to do this if we like you. Of course, a first date isn't very telling because we want to make a good first impression, we may get dressed up, find out you're a dud, and then wish we'd shown up in jeans a t-shirt but if a woman dresses up on dates #2-200 you know she's probably into you.

3. The flip side of this is, if a girl often just wears jeans and a t-shirt around you, she probably just considers you a friend. Well, either that or she just likes to be comfortable. I definitely fall into that category but in general, the more casual she looks, the less she's probably into you.

4. Is she flirting with you? Does she play with her hair or act playful and flirty in any way? Chances are, she's either got low self-esteem and flirts with EVERY guy or she's into you. You choose! If she touches your arm or hand or any part of you, that's a VERY good sign.

5. Pay attention to her body language. Is she leaning in towards you? Making eye contact? Are her legs faced toward you or away from you? Is she not looking around at other people in the restaurant or wherever you are? If so, these are good signs.

Now, at the end of the day, every woman is different.

My friend just emailed me saying she plays with her hair "all the time" so it doesn't mean anything for her.

But, you'll find, if you pay attention, you'll probably get some clues during your date as to whether or not the girl likes you!

Job hunting advice

I still have too many friends who are looking for jobs right now. So, I thought it would be cool (and helpful) to do a blog entry to help them.

People always say, "Read the book 'What Color is Your Parachute'" and perhaps that's not a bad idea. Or "Who Moved My Cheese." Yes, pick up either one at your local library.

But I think more practical advice is in order. After all, this is the worst recession and economy in 70-80 years so I think a lot of people just have no good advice for people who are out of work because there is no good advice, is there?

Here are a few of my thoughts. Please feel free to comment and add yours:

1. Be willing to "think outside the box" - ummm, WAY out of the box. A friend of mine recently left his music PR job of 20 years after being laid off. He considered and looked into everything -- from joining the police department to real estate. He settled on real estate, got his license and is now forging ahead in that area, while still keeping himself open to corporate PR jobs. Smart. I know a LOT of my friends who are out of work used to work in music or the entertainment business - so be willing to look into ALL industries - from health care to the police department to teaching to working at UPS or selling insurance, or working at Trader Joe's. I hear managers there can make $90K.

2. Go back to school. A friend of mine used to do A&R and is now going back to school to study drug and alcohol counseling/therapy. Smart. There are lots of things you could go back to school for - from getting your MBA to getting a teaching or paralegal certificate. If I were smarter, I would have been a computer programmer as I always see tech jobs out there so when in doubt, learn some programming skills or something technical, even if it's outside of your comfort zone. Most people are afraid of technology, even employers, and employers generally will pay high salaries for tech jobs as they themselves don't even understand what tech people do. Bear in mind though, don't get any private student loans - they are scary. And know that even with a gov't student loan, you can't bankrupt yourself out of that debt so if you take on $100-200K in student loans to get your law school degree (or any advanced degree for that matter), you better get into Harvard and get a 6 figure job so you can afford paying that money back because your payments will be $1K a month!

3. Another music refugee was laid off from her corporate job and is now temping. I'm pretty proud of her for this as when you temp, the wages may be low, but it gets you working and your foot in the door with companies and in industries you might not normally even know about much less try to work at. One of my first real jobs out of college I got through temping. I took a lowly temp salary and turned it into a nice paying full-time job with benefits. Oh, how I miss the Internet boom!

4. Move. The fact of the matter is, California's unemployment rate is one of the highest in the nation. I hear there are lots more jobs in NYC and DC and jobs in smaller towns and cities across the country. Apply for jobs out of the city and out of state.

5. Go where your friends and contacts are. It's all about relationships. It's always easier to get a job through someone you know (or someone who knows someone) that blindly off an ad.

6. Use but don't rely on the Internet and applying for jobs online. I've heard from many people that they just aren't getting responses to their online job applications. Sure, keep applying online (and tailoring your resume AND cover letter to each job), but don't rely on applying for jobs online. Companies are literally getting hundreds, if not thousands of resumes for each job posting. Find a contact there - ask everyone you know, use LinkedIn or Facebook if need be but find SOMEONE at the company (cold call someone if you have to) to get your resume on someone's desk. Be CREATIVE. One applicant bought Google keywords of a guy's name (Bob Smith) of where he wanted to work. When Bob googled himself, his guy's resume came up. Needless to say, this got Bob's attention and the guy got the job! (I think it was for a creative job at an ad agency...)

7. No matter how bad things get, KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. I emailed with a few job hunters earlier this year that I was trying to help. One was looking for work and yet was so cheerful about everything. I sent her resume to an entertainment assistant gig opening. They really liked her but by the time things moved along and they wanted her, she had already accepted a gig at another company. Nike I think. I'm 99% sure her cheerful attitude got her hired over dozens of other applicants. Another searcher was more "down" and was out of work for months longer. Believe it or not, your demeanor comes across in your resume, cover letter and job interview - and little things you type, say or do. Be happy, fake it if you need to but a HR person or interviewer will be a LOT more impressed with you if you seem cheerful and upbeat than "man it's horrible out there" when you meet with them.

8. Start your own business. No matter how bad you think the economy is, there are ALWAYS opportunities out there for entrepreneurs. Can you do what you used to do in corporate America for yourself? Before you automatically say 'no' really think about it. Maybe there's a way! Making even a little money to start is better than making nothing!

9. Really use your creativity. I was watching that Nate Berkus TV show the other day and some guy on there was out of work so long. He knew he was a "decisive" person so he created a business/web site "Pay me $5 and I'll make any decision for you." Questions could range from "What color nail polish should I wear to my 20 year high school reunion?" to well, you name it. He seems to do be doing well with this business venture. Enough to be paying back his student loans anyhow.

10. Write down the top 5-10 things you are good at. Are you good at communicating, like being your own boss and like kids? Maybe teaching or being a nanny is for you.

Most importantly, keep your expenses low. Can you move back home or in with a friend or family member? If so, do it. It will save you a lot of money every month and take a lot of the stress off you. I know it's not cool or fashionable but I have a few friends in this boat.

Anything to add?