How ya been?

I have a lot on my mind lately and I was thinking that I don't have any outlet for all my thoughts besides my journal at home.

Then I remembered, "Wait, I have a blog."

I read through some of my older posts.  Yikes.  What a mess these past few years have been.

And I don't mean to come across as "Debbie Downer" or anything.

I met someone recently who said, "Happiness is all about managing expectations.  If you have your mom, sister and 2-7 people in your life who matter/care, that's really all you need."

That is very wise and very true.

But I don't have any close family nearby and I'm an only child so that kinda rules out the "mom and sister" stuff and leaves friends.

But in Los Angeles, I don't really have friends.

I have acquaintances.  And even those people, while cool, mainly care about themselves.  That's not complaining - it's just reality.

I should stop complaining and just realize that life is the way it is.  No amount of complaining is going to change that.

Luckily, I've met some super cool people over the past few months.  They are real and invite me to hang out all the time and legitimately seem to care about me and what's going on in my life.  You know.  True friends and friendship.

You don't need a lot of people to make your life better.

Sometimes all you need is one.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've blogged.

I forget who is even following this blog?

Anyhow, is it just me or is the economy still getting worse?

Anyhow, life in LA continues to be rather bi-polar, like my ex boyfriend.

One day it's all nice and rosy.

The next day it feels like solitary confinement.

People here really are completely selfish and self-absorbed.  I think that's the root of my unhappiness.  But tell me if these things would annoy you too?

I have a friend that hasn't worked in two and a half years.  And despite my trying to help them find a job, all they do is go to meetup groups.  They don't even spend their time being an awesome friend to me or doing volunteer work or anything.  I just don't get it.

True, the economy is bad and no one wants to work for minimum wage but this friend quit a job that was paying almost $20 an hour because it was "beneath" them.  And while I try to be supportive, having someone like that in my life just is infuriating.  They are also flakey and while well-meaning, it just amazes me.

If I didn't work for two years, I would get SOME job, any job, even if it meant working at the mall or retail for minimum wage because I'd be so BORED otherwise.

But people here are really weird and even if you go to school for 6 months, that's still 2 years of not bringing in one penny of income.  I can't imagine that!

***

When you're down, people here will try to "be a friend" by taking you out to a nice dinner or distracting you by, guess what, talking about themself.  Do they ever sit you down and have a REAL conversation?  Ask how you're doing and CARE about the answer?

No!

And I think that is really fucked up.

My friend said I should go see a therapist.

Wow, I should pay money for therapy because people in LA, including family, are shitty?

Maybe THEY should go to therapy and figure out why they can't have a real conversation or show up on time instead of 1.5 hours late, if at all, when we are supposed to get together.

Everyone here wants to legalize pot but if anything, we shouldn't because we have enough flakey potheads as it is and they certainly don't need encouragement.

People on the east coast may drink a lot and drinking and driving, of course, is no joke....but at least the alcoholics I know aren't totally flakes and have good jobs and their shit together.

***

People encourage me to move.

As if it's so easy to move in this recession.

It's not like they are handing out jobs left and right.

Moving isn't so hard.

But what people don't understand is that I've worked for almost 15 years to build up a name for myself in this crazy entertainment industry.

Giving that all up is not something you can or should take lightly.

***

I can't stand the weather on the east coast but I miss the normal people there.  The  New Yorkers with the harder than stone exterior shell who, once you crack it, become your best friends ever.

While there are a LOT of amazing people in Los Angeles, it's a really hard city to live in without any family to support you or friends that aren't selfish.

Oh well.

What does it say that when I really got so frustrated yesterday and wanted help, the two people I thought of first are in NY and FL?

And they wrote me back within SECONDS to lend a hand and say that if I wanted to move, they would help me out any way they could.

Sad that I didn't think of ONE person in LA to call who would do the same.

Kinda A Strange Thursday

I had kind of a strange day yesterday.

I was running errands and at the mall, as I walked to the stores after parking my car, I saw a guy walk by me with his friend behind him on a skateboard. Except, the guy on the skateboard was missing his entire lower body. No feet, no knees, no legs. Nada. He was just a torso and arms and head.

Then I drove to my next errand and passed a woman being walked with a seeing eye dog. My car approached her and a stop sign and the dog looked carefully at my car and I swear, right in my eyes to make sure I was stopping before he lead his owner across the street and to safety.

Then I went to my next errand and leaving it, saw a man in a wheelchair. But not just any wheelchair. The kind that you can only operate by using your mouth. Yes, he was paralyzed and that was the only way he could move around.

"God," I thought to myself. We all have our problems. I know I've complained my fair share. And I try to be thankful for what I have. But life has truly been difficult these past years. But nothing compared to these people.

One guy is missing half his body. One woman can't see. And the other man can't move anything.

I guess that's the universe's way of reminding me to count my blessings. Because things could be SO much worse.

Bless those poor souls who are going through life like that.

My heart goes out to them.

The "musical chairs" of the job market

Gosh, I haven't blogged here in a while.

Was busy suffering through the worst break-up and experience of my life (not even exaggerating, sadly) but anyhow, I have lots on my mind.

Namely, the economy and jobs.

I'm not sure why I'm so focused on people who don't have jobs.

Maybe it's because I worked for two companies in the 1990s, both Internet companies, that were bought and merged and in one way or another, ended in me losing my job. So, I have a special soft spot for anyone who gets laid off or is in the market for a job.

However, we're living in unusual times.

I was recently talking to a friend. He mentioned that his girlfriend would have no problem taking a retail job if she got laid off from her job (thankfully she's gainfully employed as a guidance counselor). My friend said he wouldn't do that. Well, not that he wouldn't do that but that he would be concerned about what people thought if he did that and that he wouldn't be so eager to go work at Ross. She commented that it might be fun and she might learn something.

"How refreshing," I thought to myself.

Because we live in that economy right now.

You're either a "have" or a "have not."

And we live in what I like to call the "music chairs" of the job market -- meaning, say there are 100 chairs representing 100 jobs in your company. Well, once the chair gets pulled out (i.e. you lose your job), that chair is gone. You can run around trying to get another chair but chances are, once you're out of a job, you're out of a job...and that job isn't coming back.

It's a great analogy the more I think about it because as companies grow their revenue, they are managing to do so with less people.

A friend of mine works at one of the biggest universities in California and said they have double the student body now compared to when he was in school (15+ years ago), yet they get by with LESS staff.

I'd say that's true of most companies today: their revenue is probably more, maybe double what it was before (maybe 5-10 times more, who knows) yet they have managed to drop all the "dead weight" i.e. fire or lay off any employees that aren't ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to their bottom line. So, give a few great workers a 5-10% raise, have them do the work of 2-4 people and voila, more corporate profits.

If you're one of those "lucky" a.k.a. "overworked" few, you may be doing well financially, but likely putting in insane hours and working from home and working weekends even for just a bit more pay.

But, what if you're one of the "not so lucky" ones?

Well, you're out of luck.

If your job is gone, through a layoff or being fired or your own voluntary decision to quit, it's likely not coming back anytime soon - if ever.

I wish I had a solution except to say, maybe you're gonna have to learn to love working retail.

What do you think?

Hell hath no fury

Ok, I should probably admit right now that I'm a little bit drunk. But, so be it.

The truth hurts.

I have a story to tell.

Let's start, oh, say three years ago.

I call on a lot of people for my job. That's what I do.

One day, roughly three years ago, I called on a new music supervisor.

Over the course of the next two and a half to three years, we became friends. I would call him and "shoot the sh#t" as they call it, and he would invite me out to dinner or a show or some other such fun activity.

Well, that's not all the details actually.

The first time we met was at a wine bar. Bodega Wine Bar in Santa Monica to be specific.

Now, someone you meet through "work" doesn't usually suggest a first meeting at a wine bar unless they are trying to check you out, right?

So we meet at said wine bar.

Like most first dates, I'm not overly impressed. Nice guy but no chemistry. And he's too young to boot.

But, like a good person, I continue the night until it ends fatefully in front of the wine bar with a drunken smooch and goodbye.

I never hear from him again.

Until the appropriate amount of time lapses.

I call again.

For work.

This goes on for years.

But I dismiss any amount of him paying me compliments of "you're beautiful" to LA bravado.

Flash forward two and a half years into this "relationship."

We're at "Phantom of the Opera" - just another "just friends" thing. Except, this time, walking back to the car after the show, he put his jacket on me.

Now, this is a move I don't often see unless a guy is into you. I mean, I have PLENTY of guy friends. PLENTY. And none of them do this, as chivalrous as they are!

So anyhow, I think something is up.

I'll spare you all the excruciating details but let's just say this relationship progresses to the point where we're out one night and I get the "I'm INTO you" speech. And not just the "I want to date you" speech but the, "I want this to be a SERIOUS relationship" speech.

So, I say, given our past rocky history, I must proceed cautiously.

And I do.

Yet, two months into the relationship, we're out to drinks and he asks if I want to be "an item." I brush it off, thinking, "it's too soon" and realizing that I need to make sure this guy is really serious about me.

I get sweet text messages. I get "I miss you" texts and beautiful flowers over the holidays while he is home visiting his parents on break.

Flash forward to March of 2011.

All is lovely.

I am in love and on vacation in Hawaii for two weeks by myself, visiting my mother and just trying to relax from the insanity of Los Angeles.

Now, there is an earthquake in Japan and I'm out to dinner with my mother when I get, not one not two, but three text messages from friends in Los Angeles asking me if I'm, "ok?"

Ummm, yeah, sure, why wouldn't I be?

Oh, I see.

Because the tsunami generated from the massive Japan earthquake is headed to Hawaii.

I'm at dinner at some Pho place and while no once seems to be freaking out (just yet) I start to worry and feel like I'm about to star in some horrible Michael Bay film about the end of the world.

Anyhow, I call my "almost" boyfriend that night because he said his parents were also in Hawaii during this time and I wanted to make sure he told them about the impending tsunami/disaster....mind you, I've never met his parents...but I care about him and certainly didn't want his parents to get hurt (or possibly die - perhaps a bit overdramatic but it happened in Thailand) so I called him even though it was probably 1 or 2 am LA time.

No response.

Not even in the morning.

So I wake up, after a very poor night's sleep of sirens and police bull horns going off all night and ongoing messages over the hotel loudspeaker all night saying, "DO NOT LEAVE THE HOTEL." This is some scary s#it. I feel like I'm in Pearl Harbor or at the very least, starring in "Pearl Harbor: The Remake."

So, the morning comes, no call.

I call him to see what's up.

I say, "hey, we had a massive tsunami warning and were locked in our hotels all night. I called you to warn your parents." Instead of concern or asking how I'm doing, I get a, "umm, I didn't know there was a tsunami warning, I don't watch the news." Which I buy. For two seconds until I remember I called him in the middle of the night to warn his parents -- so he KNEW there was a tsunami warning because I fuc#ing told him.

Instead of getting concern or an, "Oh no, how are you doing?" I get a completely out of the blue "Sorry, but we need to break up because I'm quitting my job and going back to grad school in the fall" talk.

Yes, all this the day after a massive tsunami warning and as I'm packing up my stuff as I need to move hotels this morning (yes, this of all mornings.)

What?

What the fu#k?

You never told me you were even thinking about grad school, much less quitting your job, much less going back to school in Texas!

And what about US?

But I don't have time to debate this as I literally have twenty minutes to check out of my hotel room.

I spend the next two weeks of my vacation (as I'm literally just a couple days into my two week trip when the tsunami "almost" disaster arrives, just balling my eyes out because 1) I'm in Hawaii all alone 2) I really thought at times that night of the tsunami that I might die and this "could be it" 3) I just got broken up with from 3,000 miles away from a guy who said he wanted to "be serious" and not spend any vacation time apart after this. This was a guy I actually saw a future with and I thought could be "the one."

Flash forward to, well, fucking tonight.

I'll spare you all the details about how many times I've cried about this guy over the past 3-4 months, since the "tsunami breakup" as I'd like to call it.

In fact, if you're my dad, my mom, my friend Sara, Kathryn, Michael, Kaz, Jamie, Lesley, Jeannie or any of my other close friends, you know what's been going on because I've likely been crying my eyes out to you over the past 3-4 months.

But, suffice it to say, when you spend all your free time supporting the guy you've been dating by going to see his musical not once, not twice, but five fucking times, and going to countless parties where you don't know a soul and making nicey nice for literally dozens upon dozens of hours simply because you care about someone, you suddenly wake up one day (today?) and realize that the person you're in love with, the person you've been dating for the past 8 months is nothing but a self-absorbed, lost, narcissistic, selfish asshole who cares about no one really but himself.

He promised me, after months of me almost begging and pleading for his help, to give me one day to help me move some of my stuff from storage into my apartment.

Now, let me tell you, Los Angeles has got to be the only city where you can have "friends" and exist for 18 months and have not one person offer to help you move your shit except Kathryn. Yes, my friend Kathryn is the only person in my life who was kind and giving enough of a friend and person to help me move some stuff out of storage.

Anyhow, I digress.

I get today.

Well, yesterday.

Thursday was supposed to be "my" day.

Thursday - where he would help me move things I really need from storage into my apartment.

He said he wasn't scheduling ANYTHING else for the ENTIRE day as it was "all about me" and "helping me" with whatever I needed help with.

Wow, I get one fricking day out of 8 months/3 years when I gave you how much of my free time? Hundreds of hours of ME being emotionally supportive to HIM and also ME helping HIM move his crap for 2 full days just last week in fact.

Yet, after he slept til 10am and then disappeared for "10 minutes" (which turned out to be an hour) to do some personal errands, I got his undivided attention from 11am to 4pm.

I took the day off work to move -- yet he had to schedule his own personal stuff at 4pm.

Did he even think for 2 seconds that that could be inconsiderate to me?

Of course not.

Fine.

He's moving away. It's stressful. He's really busy. I get it.

But on "my day" he also has time to get a haircut and spend 45 minutes talking to his neighbors for no good reason.

Then we go out to dinner, at 10pm, when we were supposed to eat at 8pm.

When I mention that he didn't give me my entire day, and now he's trying to back out of helping me on Friday now, he gets up and leaves me at fu#king Swingers in the middle of dinner saying, "I'm done."

Oh yeah, buddy?

Well, good for you.

Good for you for being a selfish asshole.

I hope I never see your face .

You are a loser and don't deserve someone as amazing as me.

But, the last guy that treated me this badly, well, he lost his house, his dad, his business and his sister almost died.

I can't wait to see what's in store for you.

Karma's a bitch.

Good luck spending the next week on vacation instead of living up to your promises and being a decent human being.

No one in LA is going to miss you.

Oh, did I mention that he told me he "didn't love me" and "didn't see a future" with me just days after insisting I meet not just his parents but his entire family? And not just meet them - but spend an entire weekend with them? And sleep over at their beach house?

You pretended to be a decent person when in reality all you did at your job was look out for yourself and other ways to leverage your position into making more money for yourself. You drink too much, smoke too much pot and would oddly rather spend time with some dude working on a musical for 3+ months than with a great girl who really cares about you and treats you well. Hmmm.

And if that isn't enough, your lack of concern or 'paying attention' caused you to almost KILL a bicyclist a few weeks ago when you opened your car door without looking.

TYPICAL.

But, I suppose I shouldn't complain all that much. Despite your lack of concern or compassion for others, you did take me out to a lot of nice dinners. Too bad what I really needed was someone who was there for me emotionally and would (could?) sit still for even one evening at home -- instead of booking every free waking moment of one's day with bull#hit activities that just weren't important - like racquetball and basketball at 6am.

Have fun living at home with your @#4ing parents while the rest of us are working real jobs and trying to take care of each other like decent human beings.

You couldn't do it, could you?

Helping me for geez, all of 5 hours (which included a lunch break) was just too much for your selfish little self to handle - so you had to end things? You only moved 2 car loads of stuff. Geez.

So glad you're not coming back.

So glad!

Something positive about LA

I realize I slam Los Angeles a lot. And I feel bad for that. Well, not really, but sometimes. But I'm not crazy. I'm not living in this god awful place just to torture myself. In fact, Los Angeles does have a lot of redeeming qualities that I probably don't talk about enough because I'm so busy being frustrated by the traffic and driving and parking and people.

But let's face it, today is yet another gorgeous and perfect day here in this fair city. And while some may say it's superficial to care about or live in a place solely for the weather (and maybe it is) the weather is pretty important. I mean, the weather affects your life EVERY DAY! If you live in a city or state that's really cold half the year - and really humid the other part of the year (see: most of the United States) then doing anything simple like grocery shopping or getting gas for your car is a production. Ugh. If it rains, you can't do almost anything outside. And that's not a bad thing. But in Los Angeles, we are incredibly spoiled by the gorgeous weather that we can hike, bike, run, walk, rollerblade, play tennis, surf almost any day of the year. That makes for a generally happy population that is outside and exercising and eating heathily.

What else? There are about ten million different kinds of restaurants. Most people I've met in LA are pretty open-minded about food (except for my ex Todd - hi Todd!) and sushi is a regular fave. Not only do we have sushi but we have some of the best sushi in the world and at reasonable prices. Just the other day my guy and I found a good, cheap sushi spot right on Sawtelle. Sushi for 2 for <$30 and it was good? Wow! Where else can you find that?

Of course, there's the beach and if you're ever feeling blue, all you need to do is go for a walk along the beach. You can do this 365 days a year and if you ski, you can do that most every day of the winter.

We have farmer's markets on almost every block on almost every day of the week. I've never eaten so well as when I've lived in California - no more soda for me it's all water and iced tea and green tea and fresh fruits and veggies year round.

The shopping is insane. I remember growing up in Connecticut where there was only one decent mall within a 45 minute drive. Now I go back home and go to that mall and laugh at how small it is. Within 45 minutes of where I live in LA there must be 8-10 large malls or shopping centers. We have better clothes and more of a selection or everything from frozen yogurt to drug stores to you name it than anywhere I've ever seen except maybe Manhattan.

And yes, I complain all the time about the selfish and self-absorbed people that LA attracts and sometimes nurtures. But you know what? You don't have to hang out with those people. I've learned to cut out selfish and weird people from my life. And while that may mean being alone more than I like, it's a LOT better than being around people who only think about themselves.

And there are some AMAZING people here. I've made some truly great, supportive, caring and wonderful friends. It's just hard to see them these days because they may live further out of the city now, be in a relationship, be married and/or have a kid (or 2 or 3). But they are still there. Being caring and supportive over the phone or email or facebook.

So yeah, LA is a crazy place. It used to be wonderful 95% of the time and maybe now it's 50% or 60% or 75% (or 2% depending on what day you ask me) and I suppose a lot of the things I love about it are superficial. And superficial things will not make you happy in the long run.

But you can make changes in your life and meet new people and join new organizations. Join a new gym or find new meetup groups or join a church or do something to meet better people because if it's one thing LA does well, is bring new people to the city every day.

Perhaps the most positive thing about LA is that people come here from all over the country (and world) to pursue their dream. Now while that may attract a fair number of delusional and insane people, it also attracts some incredibly ambitious, smart, hard-working, passionate people. And I always thought it was crazy to work some boring 9 to 6 job in a grey cubicle or office pushing papers around doing nothing of any note for the better part of one's life. No, people in Los Angeles wanted something better for their life. They didn't want a normal, mundane existence working in finance or law or accounting. They wanted to do something fun or something they are passionate about every day. Something creative. Something different. And, and the end of the day, no matter how bad things get here in this city, that's something I will always admire and respect about Angelinos. No one will ever call us boring.

You can pursue your dreams and *still* be a decent human being

Someone very wise once told me that people move to Los Angeles to escape their problems. Now while I'm not sure that is true of everyone that moves here, I do think it's true of many people. And as a result, the culture leaves something to be desired.

But come on people, just because you are here and a bit messed up emotionally, doesn't let you off the hook from being a decent human being.

Maybe there is something wrong with a family who would let one of their children move to Los Angeles to pursue their career in writing or being in a band or making a movie or what have you. Or, one could argue the opposite viewpoint - that a loving, caring family would support and encourage their child to do whatever makes them happy.

All I know it that I've managed to pursue my "dreams" here in Los Angeles and still look out for others and be a kind and caring person. A lot of other people I've met? Not so much.

Now am I just better at multi-tasking? Perhaps. But earth to people of Los Angeles: the world does not revolve around you and what you want and need. Perhaps your parents spoiled you too much when you were growing up. So you grew up a bit selfish and self-absorbed and LA only feeds that unhealthiness. I don't know. I don't buy it. We all make choices in our life and if we choose to run around only caring about ourself, what kind of world does that create? Would you want to be friends with someone who just cared about themself?? Especially in a time of need? I wouldn't....

However, as I get older, I see more and more of this selfish behavior manifest itself in unhealthy ways. I mean, is it unreasonable for me to expect I should have one friend, or one roommate in my life, that cares enough about me when I'm sick to get me soup? Or ask how I'm feeling? I've lived with a few people over the years who haven't helped me at all when I've been sick and to me, that just shows me how selfish and self-absorbed they are. If I knew someone was sick, even if it was a neighbor or someone I did not know really well, I would absolutely offer to help them get medicine or chicken soup. But someone you live with or are close to? Forget it. They've got better things to do.

Unfortunately, Los Angeles attracts people who are emotionally damaged or crippled.

Geez.

Maybe I'm the selfish one.

I mean, I'm a grown woman.

Why should anyone help me when I am sick?

Especially when they have better things to do?

Well, I'm not sure of the answer but I can't help but dream of a place where people care about other people. And if I knew my neighbor or friend was sick, I would offer to get them soup.

In fact, this very thing happened a few months ago.

A good friend of mine was so sick that she couldn't leave her place to get herself any food.

And while one could argue Pink Dot or delivery is phone call away, let's be honest. Pink Dot isn't going to have chicken soup or your favorite item from the supermarket when you are sick. Your local restaurant isn't going to bring you a huge container of Tropicana orange juice.

We should all have at least one person in our life who cares about us enough to get us soup and a favorite beverage when we're too sick and weak to leave the house.

So, I offered to go to Whole Foods and pick up my friend some soup.

She was really happy.

And I know she'd do the same for me in return.

As for everyone else, I say, epic fail.

I know I complain a lot about Los Angeles and people here. And I know I should leave. I'm working on it. Truly. But meanwhile, I hope you have someone who cares enough about you to get you chicken soup when you are sick.