Birthdays

I miss being a kid.

Remember when your birthday was the most important day? And all your friends would come and celebrate with you? And you'd get tons of presents?

Well, flash forward 30 years and you find that your birthday isn't nearly as important as it once was.

Friends get married, have kids, and barely have time to return your emails or phone calls, let alone attend your birthday party.

It's amazing how many friends forget about you once they get married or into a relationship. They forget that birthdays still matter.

Maybe this post is more about friendship that it is about birthdays.

But the two go together.

After all, you can't have a birthday without friends, right?

I hate to admit this but my mom was right.

Friends come and go.

Most of your friends will not be in your life 5 years from now, much less 10-15 years from now.

If you're the exception to the rule, you're lucky.

I've always been a loyal friend.

I go above and beyond for people.

Yet I don't often or always get the same in return for what I put out.

Are my expectations too high?

People keep telling me they are but I really don't think so.

If I spent 7 hours in a bar for your birthday a couple years ago, silly me, maybe I expect you'll make a big deal out of my birthday, eh? But no...

Or if you choose to have your birthday party at an expensive restaurant, maybe you can return the favor and buy me dinner when it's my birthday.

If I bought you yummy Mexican for your birthday, maybe you could invite me out to yummy Mexican for mine.

I'm not trying to keep score here.

Really I'm not.

But I'm also not made of money so if I go and do these things for friends - the least I would expect is the same in return.

Maybe it's an Asian thing but that's how I was raised.

Tit for tat.

And if that makes my expectations "too high" well then I have a feeling you're the selfish, bad friend, not me.

Oh well.

At least it makes you appreciate the people still in your life.

Like the new friend you made that listens and supports you for an hour on the phone when you're having a bad day.

She almost makes up for all the shitty friends you don't care about anymore.

Friends in LA

So I had a rather tough dialogue with a friend yesterday.

She was all upset that I wasn't attending her birthday party.

And you know, I understand that birthdays are SUPER important to some people, especially women. I always figure the friends that make it a point to attend my birthday party are friends that think their birthdays are important (most of the time) so I do my best to attend theirs.

However, it was shocking to me that someone I never talk to on the phone or email about deeply personal things (as you do with really close friends) would be so upset with me. Because I was an awesome friend to her (helping her with job leads when she was out of work, lending a cheerful and encouraging ear when she was out of work, giving her lots of dating advice) would have the audacity to call me out and be "hurt and offended" simply because I wasn't going to her birthday party, even though I offered to take her out some other time and even though I know none of her friends and her birthday party isn't even just hers but with another friend she has that I don't know, and despite the fact that I hate karaoke with a passion.

So it begs the question - are you obligated to go to someone's birthday party just because they are your friend?

I think for close friends, absolutely, at least if their birthday is important to them.

But for someone you barely know? I think not.

The issue really was that while I was a great friend to her, I don't think I got the same back from her. It's nothing against her, just that I feel like I gave a LOT to her in our friendship and didn't really get much back. So to me, that entitles me to be perhaps a bit selfish, and beg out of some big dinner where I won't know a soul and karaoke, that I absolutely hate. Listen, I listen to enough bad music for a living - the last thing I want to do for "fun" is listen to more bad singing ...and to pay for the privilege.

Anyhow, sadly, that friendship has come to an end.

And it makes me wonder if I need to be a bit more selective/selfish when it comes to my friendships.

Because I was such a good friend, I am expected to do EVERYTHING right and perfectly, even when it's something I simply don't want to do.

That hardly seems fair.

Oh well.

I'm sure there are more sane and stable women in LA that I can make friends with.