Today I am starting a column where I feature real ads from Craigslist "Missed Connections" and my responses to them:
Hummus at Ralph's in Glendale - w4m (Glendale)
Hello boy wearing a black leather jacket,
Tonight, we grabbed the same hummus. I really wanted to ask you if you've tried that brand of humus before, but I didn't. You were standing next to me and I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me, but you didn't. In case you did want to talk to me, I guess here's another shot :)
Tell me the brand of hummus we got.
Dear girl wearing spanx and a halter top and way too much make-up,
It's so great to hear from you! You know what? I have tried that brand of "humus" before and it was just dreadful. Oops. I guess I should have mentioned that at the store. My bad.
Anyhow, I was standing next to you...but only because I wanted to buy the "good humus" and the self-serve checkout line was too long. Anyhow. Good luck and enjoy the crappy humus!
Boy wearing a black leather jacket
Cake for mom at Vons - m4w (Gardena)
Racheal you and your sister came and ordered a ice cream cake on Thursday to pick up on Friday for your mom Ada Mae. I Galen wrote on you cake and forgot the Y in happy. You came back and told me. I was nervous and told you I had something else on my mind. You said that was ok. I was not sure how to tell you how beautiful you are. If you don't have a boyfriend, I would like to go out with you sometime.
Hey, it's my Racheal (weird spelling, I know!) I don't know what kind of idiot forgets the "Y" in "happy" so you bet your bottom dollar I told you about it! You want Ada Mae to have a HAPP BIRTHDAY? What kind of monster are you?
Anyhow, thanks for the compliment but I already have a byfriend. Get it?
YOU THOUGHT YOUR CAR WAS STOLEN AT THE GYM - m4w - 28 (Hollywoood - Santa Monica Blvd. at Cole)
You are gorgeous and you were panicking because you thought your car had been stolen. You mentioned you were at the gym and came back to find it missing, I was on the phone and was kinda speechless. My brain was telling me to offer to help you but all my mouth could do was, uh, kinda smile at you. Hope you found your car. Also hope you contact me, I can pick you up wherever.
Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, as it turns out, my car WAS stolen. Maybe I shouldn't have left the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. Hollywood is super safe, right? Just like Kansas! Anyhow, next time you want to ask a girl out, maybe you should do that instead of just standing there with your mouth wide open. Gross. Anyhow, they did finally found my car and it turns out, I had just parked it one street over. So, when are we meeting up?
Beautiful girl at North Hollywood LA fitness - m4w (north hollywood)
I pass by you all the time, I think you look Amazing.. I glance at you... I smile at you and nothing.. I wanna tell you soo many things, ask you sooo many questions.. You look away whenever I look at you... Im shy, romantic at heart... im not perfect, but I would do anything possible to make you smile, laugh.. I would listen to anything at anytime, id be your shoulder to cry on... Id be proud to walk next to you.. Rub your feet when your tired... Anything to have you... But you dont know I exist... I smile at you.. And you just walk past me... You know who you are.. I usually wear black, im bald.. Facial hair... I look rough.. But its just for my job.. dont judge me off that... I look foward to seeing you everyday... Write me if you see this.. You wont regret it
Location: north hollywood
MY RESPONSE:Dear Creepy Guy Who Always Stares at Me at the Gym,Yeah, you! Listen, I see you staring at me while I'm working out and it's just plain weird and creepy, so cut it out, ok? I look away because I'm not interested in being murdered while walking out to my car. If you want to make me smile, find some other hot girl to stalk, okay? Wait, you said you're rub my feet when I'm tired? Come to think of it, that would be nice as I work at The Gap and am on my feet all day.Oh, wait, you're the bald guy wearing black? I thought you were the bald guy who wears brown...never mind...Anyhow, see ya later creepo!Signed,Hot Girl at the Gym