Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Craigslist - Missed Connections

Today I am starting a column where I feature real ads from Craigslist "Missed Connections" and my responses to them:

 Hummus at Ralph's in Glendale - w4m (Glendale)

Hello boy wearing a black leather jacket,

Tonight, we grabbed the same hummus. I really wanted to ask you if you've tried that brand of humus before, but I didn't. You were standing next to me and I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me, but you didn't. In case you did want to talk to me, I guess here's another shot :)

Tell me the brand of hummus we got.
  • Location: Glendale

Dear girl wearing spanx and a halter top and way too much make-up,

It's so great to hear from you!  You know what?  I have tried that brand of "humus" before and it was just dreadful.  Oops.  I guess I should have mentioned that at the store.  My bad.

Anyhow, I was standing next to you...but only because I wanted to buy the "good humus" and the self-serve checkout line was too long.  Anyhow.  Good luck and enjoy the crappy humus!


Boy wearing a black leather jacket


 Cake for mom at Vons - m4w (Gardena)

Racheal you and your sister came and ordered a ice cream cake on Thursday to pick up on Friday for your mom Ada Mae. I Galen wrote on you cake and forgot the Y in happy. You came back and told me. I was nervous and told you I had something else on my mind. You said that was ok. I was not sure how to tell you how beautiful you are. If you don't have a boyfriend, I would like to go out with you sometime.
  • Location: Gardena
Hey, it's my Racheal (weird spelling, I know!)  I don't know what kind of idiot forgets the "Y" in "happy" so you bet your bottom dollar I told you about it!  You want Ada Mae to have a HAPP BIRTHDAY?  What kind of monster are you?

Anyhow, thanks for the compliment but I already have a byfriend.  Get it?


 YOU THOUGHT YOUR CAR WAS STOLEN AT THE GYM - m4w - 28 (Hollywoood - Santa Monica Blvd. at Cole)

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
Santa Monica Blvd. at Cole
You are gorgeous and you were panicking because you thought your car had been stolen. You mentioned you were at the gym and came back to find it missing, I was on the phone and was kinda speechless. My brain was telling me to offer to help you but all my mouth could do was, uh, kinda smile at you. Hope you found your car. Also hope you contact me, I can pick you up wherever.
Santa Monica Blvd. at Cole (google map) (yahoo map)
  • Location: Hollywoood - Santa Monica Blvd. at Cole
Thanks for the compliment.  Yeah, as it turns out, my car WAS stolen.  Maybe I shouldn't have left the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked.  Hollywood is super safe, right?  Just like Kansas! Anyhow, next time you want to ask a girl out, maybe you should do that instead of just standing there with your mouth wide open.  Gross. Anyhow, they did finally found my car and it turns out, I had just parked it one street over. So, when are we meeting up?


 Beautiful girl at North Hollywood LA fitness - m4w (north hollywood)

I pass by you all the time, I think you look Amazing.. I glance at you... I smile at you and nothing.. I wanna tell you soo many things, ask you sooo many questions.. You look away whenever I look at you... Im shy, romantic at heart... im not perfect, but I would do anything possible to make you smile, laugh.. I would listen to anything at anytime, id be your shoulder to cry on... Id be proud to walk next to you.. Rub your feet when your tired... Anything to have you... But you dont know I exist... I smile at you.. And you just walk past me... You know who you are.. I usually wear black, im bald.. Facial hair... I look rough.. But its just for my job.. dont judge me off that... I look foward to seeing you everyday... Write me if you see this.. You wont regret it
  • Location: north hollywood
Dear Creepy Guy Who Always Stares at Me at the Gym,
Yeah, you! Listen, I see you staring at me while I'm working out and it's just plain weird and creepy, so cut it out, ok? I look away because I'm not interested in being murdered while walking out to my car. If you want to make me smile, find some other hot girl to stalk, okay? 
Wait, you said you're rub my feet when I'm tired?  Come to think of it, that would be nice as I work at The Gap and am on my feet all day.
Oh, wait, you're the bald guy wearing black?  I thought you were the bald guy who wears brown...never mind...Anyhow, see ya later creepo!
Hot Girl at the Gym

Help! Dating Is Hard!!!

Please, someone help me!

My dating life seems to be cursed and I don't know why.

Case in point - I just saw a guy I went out on a few dates with 2 months ago from Trader Joe's - now on OK Cupid looking for casual sex.  Yeah.

He came up to me 2 months ago in a Trader Joe's parking lot, after having smiled at me inside the store in the produce section (no joke)!

As I was putting my shopping cart away near my car, he came up to me and said, "I'm the guy from Trader Joe's and I find you very attractive.  Can I get your number?"

Now, normally I don't just give my number willy-nilly to random guys in Trader Joe's parking lots (especially ones that follow me to my car).  But he seemed nice enough.  He was a bit short and didn't seem like a serial killer or anything.  So, I asked him a few questions, ya know, to make sure he wasn't really on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list or something.  He seemed fine so I gave him my digits.

We went out a few times and he just seemed SO into me.

"How flattering," I though to myself.  After all, it's one thing to meet a guy online or in a bar...but being approached in a grocery store (or outside of one) - isn't that every girl's fantasy?  "Just meet a single guy in the produce section of a grocery store," they say. Don't they?

Early on, I sent him a facebook friends request.  He never accepted it.  "Maybe he doesn't check facebook that often or live on there like I do," I thought to myself.

But when I didn't hear from him for a couple weeks, I figured he'd moved on.  Fine.  But I asked him how LA was when I was out of town and he says, "I don't know...I'm not there."

"Where are you?" I asked.

"In France," he replies.

FRANCE???!!!!???  WTF is he doing in France?  That's not exactly a weekend getaway from Los Angeles.

Then I remembered he had an ex girlfriend of 7 years who was French.  So I replied, "Oh, off visiting the ex in Paris, are we?"

And he replies, "Yeah, something like that."

Well, after a few more emails back and forth I find out, he's not just in France on vacation. Or visiting his ex.  He has a BABY with his ex that lives in France and he's there visiting his son!  For 6 weeks.  Ok, no biggie, but WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME YOU HAD A BABY WITH YOUR FRENCH EX-GIRLFRIEND AND THAT THEY BOTH LIVE IN FRANCE?!!??

Ok, maybe I'm guilty.  Of giving guys the benefit of the doubt.  But, I seem to attract this type of "man" a lot.

The homeless guy on the corner who asks for your number?

You say no.

The really drunk guy at the bar who tells you he's slept with hundreds of women - in that very bar's bathroom?

You say no.

But at some point, you have to say yes to *someone* right?

Otherwise, you'll be single forever.

So, I took a chance on "Trader Joe's guy."

And we went out a few times and then I had to go out of town.  For awhile.  I was sure I was moving out of state and he was SO SAD!  He texted me incessantly while I was still in town - for days and weeks.  He kept texting me after I left!?!  He told me how before I left he "really wanted things to work out."

Flash forward a couple months.

Sure, we aren't "together" or anything.

But I just saw him on OkCupid....and his ad is just "sex sex sex" and that section where it says, "What are you looking for?" he answers, "casual sex."  Not "for new friends" AND "casual sex" or "short-term dating" or "long-term dating" AND "casual sex" or even any combination of those things....just casual sex.

Five minutes after I see this ad, he texts me...and says that he just saw me online.

I text him back, saying, "Yeah, how's that CASUAL SEX ad working out for ya?"

No response...

You know.  I'm an atheist.  But this latest dating catastrophe just reminds me that:

1.  There probably is a God.
2.  He's F*cking with me.

So, what's the solution to this dating problem?

Don't go out with guys you meet in Trader Joe's?

No, that can't be right.

It's not a big deal that he's on OkCupid.  Or that he's looking for "casual sex."  Or that he's on Ok Cupid looking for casual sex.

What always gets me is the lengths a guy will go to to pretend he's "the one" or "really serious about you" when he's really just a player or a jerk - but thank goodness for the Internet because on OkCupid, at least his TRUE intentions are out there, in plain sight.

I swear, these days, I meet better quality guys in a bar than online.

Online seems to now be a way for guys to scam on as many women as they can.

Why sit in a bar, nursing a beer, hoping for a cute, single woman to walk in when you can spend 10 minutes online and spam, I mean, email dozens of women in one swoop!


Just a few days ago I was texting with another guy I met on OKCupid.  He was cute, French and a tech guy!!!?? and as soon as I mentioned my love of "Star Wars" he freaked out!  He said he liked my name and was so impressed that I was a geek too!

Where do I die and go to heaven?

We were only texting for a few days but all was good.

Then, one text chat at one in the afternoon, he asked me where I worked?

I replied, "sometimes from the dining room table," and he made a sex joke, saying, "Are we still talking about work here? ;)"

"Ok, a bit inappropriate but perfectly harmless," I thought to myself.

Well, later that night I checked my OkCupid account and saw his profile wasn't there anymore!!?

"That's odd," I thought to myself.  "He was just on here yesterday."

I texted him and asked, "What happened to your profile?"

He replied, "Oh, I took it down.  I wanted to focus on getting to know you!"

"Awww, how sweet," I though to myself.  "But really, I want to know," I asked him, "why did you take down your ad?" since I wasn't born yesterday.

"I was getting too many emails," came his reply.  "Like 300 a week."

"No way!" I thought.  No one gets 300 emails a week, especially not guys!  "Maybe this is why I'm single, though," I thought.  "Maybe guys really DO get a lot of emails!"

More emails were exchanged and I just realized he was a player and a jerk and probably got himself kicked off OkCupid.  I'm no one deletes their online dating profile until they get serious with someone...or engaged!

Maybe I'm not seeing the signs here.

After all, a guy who approaches you in a parking lot and tells you he finds you "very attractive" isn't really looking for a long-term relationship, right?

But man, I swear, these lame-o guys seem to flock to me like I'm a tall glass of water in the desert.

I give up.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

How ya been?

I have a lot on my mind lately and I was thinking that I don't have any outlet for all my thoughts besides my journal at home.

Then I remembered, "Wait, I have a blog."

I read through some of my older posts.  Yikes.  What a mess these past few years have been.

And I don't mean to come across as "Debbie Downer" or anything.

I met someone recently who said, "Happiness is all about managing expectations.  If you have your mom, sister and 2-7 people in your life who matter/care, that's really all you need."

That is very wise and very true.

But I don't have any close family nearby and I'm an only child so that kinda rules out the "mom and sister" stuff and leaves friends.

But in Los Angeles, I don't really have friends.

I have acquaintances.  And even those people, while cool, mainly care about themselves.  That's not complaining - it's just reality.

I should stop complaining and just realize that life is the way it is.  No amount of complaining is going to change that.

Luckily, I've met some super cool people over the past few months.  They are real and invite me to hang out all the time and legitimately seem to care about me and what's going on in my life.  You know.  True friends and friendship.

You don't need a lot of people to make your life better.

Sometimes all you need is one.